Is it Faith or Destiny

I find myself at a crossing point. My life hasn't made much sense since my departure or wishful thinking. Actually since our union back in late October. However I'm back on track now. I have to say. Back to doing what Joe does best, helping other filmmakers, artist, etc. I'm no longer holding on to false hopes or empty promises. Actually I didn't make any promises that particularly had to do with me. Most of the promises were primarily focusing on her. I know now that she wasn't my mate. My one and only. Only a stepping stone to getting back to the righteous path. Whatever that may be.

I read my horoscope yesterday and this is what it said:

“One often meets one’s destiny on the road taken to avoid it,” says a French proverb. Sometimes, in fact, you can’t even get properly aligned with your highest potential unless you try to escape it. Only by seeking an alternate route are you led into the circumstances that ultimately activate the fullness of your gifts. These mysteries will soon have personal meaning for you. Upcoming plot twists will lead you to where you didn’t even know you needed to go.

Which frankly means that this or that was meant to happen. Hence the phrase "Everything happens for a reason."

We meet some interesting people throughout out lifetime and some stay with us. While some we just forget. Some we change and some we regret ever knowing. I believe that it was "faith" that we met but it wasn't my "destiny".

Why We Failed

Life is about simple choices. Simple necessities, perhaps even about simple needs. For the last few days I've been trying to make sense of my "something else entirely" and that's pretty much what she was. Now I've spoken to several different men to make sense of her nonsense and it pretty much comes down to a simple choice. She was a taker and I was a giver. I gave, and gave, and gave till I finally decided I wanted something in return. The taker didn't see it this way. She had an idea, a plan. A road to success. A road that to me was taking too long. I grew impatient, I walked away. She understood, so I thought. I let her back in. She walked away again. Destiny intervene and she walked back in once more. Somehow this time it was the last time and we grew apart.

I believe we failed because we wanted different things for one. For two she wasn't exactly what I wanted. She was what I needed but not quite suited to make me happy. She did in the beginning but in time we just or I did not submit. I suppose that's the best way to describe it. I see my ex as a tumbleweed blowing through the wind. Unaware of where she's heading as she tumbles through life.

I can honestly say that I'm happy for her. It bothers me and it will continue to bother me that she's with someone else but at least he's someone more deserving. In the end she was making me hate her. I didn't understand why she was being the way she was. I figure now that it was mainly because she was unhappy with me. Which I understand because she was so used to getting her way that when I finally decided that I wasn't going to take it from the taker. She didn't understand why I wanted her to give back. She was very "needy".

There are many reasons why I think it all fell apart in the end. For one, I pushed her out of my life. For two, I was using her for sex. And finally, she just wasn't the one. Time and time and again I tried so hard to accommodate but somewhere in the back of my mind I wasn't happy with her. I did give her a lot of me and made her into the women that she is now but overall she wasn't suited for me. It's like trying to convince yourself that you belong to someone but you know in your heart that you really don't. Especially when a lot of bullshit is going on around you to make you aware of this.

My heart is in serious pain right now. I finally realize why you shouldn't meddle with things you do not know. Why some things change and mostly how God truly works. I'll take the best parts of the relationship. The beginning, the giving, the love, the involvement and the bound that at one point made us whole. Pieces of me remain with her and pieces of her remain with me. I finally came clean about her, about how I truly felt about her. She wasn't quite what I wanted. I'm not even sure why God figured I would be best suited for this rare situation, this moment in time that will live forever in memory.

Life is about choices, simple choices. Lesson learn, point made. Lets move on shall we?

Good Bye at Last

I finally lost my on and off again relationship. For the last 14 months I was involved in one of those bouncy relationships. She was very special to me, for you see she was my first. It's hard to describe how I truly felt about her. Now I knew I loved her but not as much as she did me. I can honestly say that. That's the funny thing about loving an older woman. She knew what she wanted but me, I had no clue. I thought I did but I was wrong. To experience someone like that, that devoted, that loving, well I just hope I find it again.

I knew when the relationship started to go sour. Heck I even road a story about it.



It's all there in black and white. Now a lot of my friends told me that I needed to let her go long before I ever did. I just couldn't live with the pain of knowing that I had failed her. In the end we did try but we just kept fighting. Part of the reason was because I had outgrown her. Slowly I had begun to let her go. I think however when she finally did. that's really when she found happiness once again.

She's with someone else now, someone more compatible. Someone more suited for her. Part of me would love to have her back but I know in my heart of hearts that we are done. I used to think I was the ying to her yang.

It's funny, this whole time I wanted her to be free, to be happy, to just be, because I just couldn't help her find that comfort zone anymore. I suppose once you loose it, you just can't get it back. Looking back at it now I have a few regrets and I made a couple of sacrifices but in the end it just came down to a five letter word. TRUST; we didn't have it. And without that you really can't have anything else.


October 4th 2006 - March 4th 2009 Thanks for the memories "D".